21 GUNS...

This song echoes every scream of my heart..

and yeah, I'm in ruins..

I've laid down my arms..

I gave up the fight..

Do you know what’s worth fighting for?
When it’s not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you’re at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn’t pass
Nothing’s ever built to last
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it’s time to live and let die
And you can’t get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You’re in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

LIFELESS...

Like an autumn leaf that falls in a stream’s depthless meed..

And so is my life recapitulates to an insipid cycle of passive existence..

Living life for the sake of clinging to it.

Nothing else makes sense..

Everything is lifeless…

For what is worse than loving someone so much..

That your entirety could only function for him..

But in the end, he could never ever take the risk to be with you again.

And that he is in love with another…

I’d rather cut short every breath..

I’d rather delay alternate heartbeats..

For this life has no other reason to subsist..

I refuse to abide and endure…

F*ck! Sh*t! D*mn!

I’m lifeless..

Lord, save me from despair!

I don’t know what to live for, breathe for, and dwell for..

For through it all, it has always been YOU…

FRIENDS and the INSURANCE CONTRACT..

When you live alone and not in a relationship (I refuse to use the word single) there is only one thing you need to survive – your so-called “FRIENDS”.. I never really gave this term much thought since I have always found myself in a shelter of another person's arms. Since I was 13 (Sorry but I did start early... haha.), It was either I was in a relationship or looking out for a new one. One month was too much to bear... And so, imagine my frustration when three months has come past and gone, and I still found myself still singing to the tune of “In this California King Bed, we're ten thousand miles apart... “ – complete with the Rihanna MTV hand gestures.. Hehe. (I suddenly remembered Jewel's imitation of this in the Notting Hill Rooftop!)...

Every single day is lonely – nothing ever really made sense.. I found myself eating my meals alone, searching for a text or an email that somebody somehow remembered me, and constantly picturing myself in an MTV – looking out on a window and crying my heart out for a lost love and broken promises... Sorry for the melodramatic theme – but frustrated artists tend to do this. Haha.

And so I turn to my one and only salvation – FRIENDS.. There are no dull moments with them and it seems like I'm shifted to another world.. I'm meteors apart from my usual self.. I feel cool, crazy, calm, dramatic, and over-the-top down wild.. I was invincible when I am with them.. I found myself laughing to my heart's content... And yet, even though I'm away from my quotodian and routinary ME – everything is so REAL that I don't want to let go of that reality..

There were no pretentions.. I could just be myself with no holds barred and without any fear that someone will have any judgment from the way I talk, react, laugh and eat.. You could act anything you want. You could dress up any way you please.. You could just simply bare it all and be yourself without any fear that someone will raise an eyebrow., It was amazingly REAL.. They tirelessly LISTEN to every story and FEEL every teardrop..

I start to think of them as my private INSURANCE contract.. Not that they were obliged or anything, but every BALIW-BALIWAN episode is covered by this contract.. I think of friendships as an EMOTIONAL INVESTMENT – you spent weeks, months, and years trying to fortify them since you know that these are the people who will catch you no matter how high you fall – no matter how hard you fall flat on your face.. And the greatest thing of it all, it doesn't matter whether you are in relationship or not.. IN-LOVE OR NOT-IN-LOVE, ISSUE OR NO-ISSUE, you are covered by this special INSURANCE CONTRACT..

I remembered sending a text message to RADGER TEDDY (which everyone knows is my bestfriend/fafi) in the wee hours of the morning and it goes like this – “EMERGENCY BEST FRIEND call for Mr. Santos, please call back immediately!” – and just like an automated response callback – I heard his voice and said - “Oh.. Ano na naman friend ang problema, malungkot ka na naman?!?!”.. We spent hours talking that time.. I even forgot how that conversation went but I really did not mind – as long as I heard his voice – I feel a whole lot better..

The same thing goes with our adopted anak-anakan, MARK JEWEL (Radger, Jewel and I form an unusual family setup which actually works and feel damn good!) – He would send an almost empty message in the morning that goes like – ;( – and mabilis pa sa alas 8, we would textback showing one's concern over the latter – and either FAFI (Raj) or ME would text each other lalo na if may work yung isa and text – pakitawagan naman yung anak mo.. nagbabaliw-baliwan na naman.. and one will reach out and call our beloved anak.. and the awkward thing about this is that – it felt so NATURAL – these two people have actually drawn a special place in my heart and I regard them much closer than a real brother.. And do you ever get that feeling na sa sobrang dalas nyo magkasama, you would guess kung anu yung isusuot nung isa and anu yung oorder-in sa resto, and anu yung magiging reaction nya and komento nya sa mga bagay-bagay.. and in the same way, you would feel if something is not right with them.. you feel how they feel and cry over their pain..

OVER AND OUT to my extended family, I feel blessed to have known other guys who has also made an imprint to my lonesome life.

GRACE BULABOS, whose intimidating beauty managed to find peace in our company (super ganda nman kasi tlaga!)... and yet the pagka -ATE attitude never wores out.. I find it comforting to find someone who will actually tell you stuffs like “Oh gago ka pala, eh bakit mo ginawa yun!” and “Bayaran mo nga muna yung mga credit card mo kasi!”.. I see her as my real ate.. (apart from my biological ate which I really miss!)

LOUIE AMBROSIO, whose commanding presence will never fail to illicit a smile or light up a crowd.. Although he will text you stuffs like “Hu u?” and “Ang tagal nyo mag-reply matutulog na lang ako!?!?” --- we still love him to bits.. I will never forget how he confronted me one time and uttered – “Haay. Naku. Wag ka dun friend! Sana dun ka nman sa maayos mapunta!”.. I was moved ..

PATRICK BRION, everyone's VIVI.. and Ate Grace's ANAK KONG PANDA.. We always miss his vintage “checkered” style and his out-of-nowhere comments which boosts an atmosphere.. But hidden from those laughs and frequent hirit of “EEEEE! Kasi nman eh.. Sabay hila ng buhok. Hehe!), I found a bonafide individual and a true friend...

BENISON CAMBE, whose new haircut made me miss him all the more last time.. Hehe.. My sleeping buddy since we randomly found ourselves kapag nakikitulog sa malaking kama ni MARK JEWEL.. Hehe.. I miss his dance moves and down-to-earth personality and we love him for that! (Special thanks to the bicol express from his ate and mom on his bday! Hehe)

RACHEL GOMEZ – the banoffee pie queen.. and whose “healthy” personality makes us love her all the more.. peace! Rachel! Haha.. Her sweetness made me love her from the very first time we sat together on the bus to Hounslow.. Hehe.. Sana lang mas makasama sya more often. Hehe.

There are other guys too.. In fact, I found some friends in the PINAKURAT guys, whom I found very unassuming and welcoming.. (especially Gracey Jans which I miss terribly!)Special thanks ulit to Kuya Matt, Dodong, Kuya Pao, Yssa, Kuya Lord, Ate Ghie and many others.. I admire the way they regard each other as family and I found another breath of life in them.. They were hilariously funny, humble, and I saw a sense of family belonging in them.. They were always there to support each other and take care of one another.. I wish I could spend sometime with them too..

THE weirdest thing of it all – I haven't known them all for a long-time – but with the way they treat me and bring out another dimension of myself which I didn't know existed, I would never trade these friendships with anything... I feel like I have known them my whole life..

Finally, let me say this -- With all my heart, Thank you very much for being my LIFE in the TUNNEL.. Now I could truly say, I am blessed – FOR I HAVE FOUND YOU..

In Focus: The London Riots and The Notting Hill Festival

Two weeks ago, the whole world has cast its eye on one city in particular – London. For three days, the United Kingdom capital was put to a halt and a complete standstill. The entire city assimilated a deserted refuge camp – everything was empty and yet traces of human civilization were still visible. I remembered walking to the usually-crowded Oxford Street and seeing nothing – the only piece of evidence perceptible of the fashionistas and model-wanna-be's strutting their stuff in the pavements of Oxford Street were the Topshop and Primark paper bags near the trash stations.

It seems official – World War 3 has begun – at least in the UK.

How did the conjectural war started?

Fact:

Mark Duggan, a 29-year-old man, was shot on 4 August 2011 by police attempting to arrest him in Tottenham, London, England, following a surveillance operation, on suspicion of a planned revenge attack following the fatal stabbing of his cousin. He died from a gunshot wound to the chest. The reaction of some people to the apparent circumstances of his death -- a public demonstration and an attack on police vehicles which culminated to a riot in Tottenham. This escalated into further widespread riots, looting and arson in London and in some major English cities.

The aftermath:

I was working my twelve hour shift when the first wave of chaos started. I heard my fellow-nurse in the hospital chattering to a domestic cleaner while I empty my patient's urine catheter bag (yep. This is an exciting part of my job! Haha) about the road closures since they have to drive their way home. But since where I live is just a “tumbling, split and 2 kembot away from the hospital”, I could not be bothered.

And so I went home and carried on just like any other night – went to Tesco and bought a ready-to-eat meal (it is usually a tough choice between a pasta and an indian tikka masala!), headed home and had shower while my food is enjoying itself in the microwave, open the laptop to amuse myself and eat peacefully. And voila! The day is gone...

I was completely nonchalant about the things happening around me. I have always prevented myself from getting involved to social milieus which has very little impact on my uninspired life. I remembered when I was studying in UST way back in college and speakers from leftist movements such as “anak-pawis” or “bayan-muna” encouraging us to take part in the rallies in Mendiola. And I was not even listening although I was partially interested in the fact that I could miss one ROTC session if I put myself forward for it. Don't get me wrong but I really do admire these people who have been selfless and generous enough to give themselves for a higher cause of the society. But as they say, kanya-kanya lang po 'yan. And such bonds do not run in my DNA.

And so in the comforts of my small half-empty room, I think back of the days gone by. Nothing has really changed. London recuperated from the nightmare of it all. Looking back, I saw no anger at the rioters, it was just LUST FOR VIOLENCE AND HAPPINESS AT THIS CHANCE TO ROB WITH NO RISK. In a larger scale, one of the most disappointing feelings I have associated with the latter circumstances were the fact that a few wicked people will stigmatise a whole generation. But maybe reality will really suck it all in.

Through it all, the faces of young men and women causing the outburst have been caught in CCTV – the prison halls suddenly became overcrowded and they were given the lame amercement of partaking in community service. I doubt the government would even consider taking their benefits away from them.

In a complete antithetical story, fast forward to August 28 – the Notting Hill Carnival is making a blast. In some scale, the festival counterfeits the rioting scene – it was utterly chaotic – in a delightful kind of way (Sobrang siksikan sa mga street party – and lasap na lasap ang sabaw ng tunay na sampalok sa asim ng mga foreigners (and pinoy at times. Oops!) na nakiki-jam din. Pero sayaw pa rin while having a can of beer. Walang pakielaman. People of all ages and color just dancing their hearts away -- irrespective if it was in the tune of Samba or "A ella La Gusta La Gasolina"! And it felt damn good to just allow yourself to be taken away by the moment and by the sheer of joy knowing that you are enjoying yourself and you have good friends (they have been my salvation for the past few months) around you. The Notting Hill Carnival definitely leaves an indelible mark.

Notting Hill Festival and the Riots – both unrestrained yet reflects two opposing ideologies. But does it even matter? Can we even draw a learning curve from either of them? In the end, what matters is you know how to keep your sanity intact as an individual, stand up behind every foolishness you've made, and in every situation, make sure you know what the hell you're getting yourself into...

ALL ABOUT KC CONCEPCION...

It was a rainy July 17 morning. Just like any other day. Typical summer time in London when weather is whimsical and unpredictable. An umbrella is a must-have at any time of day for any sane Londoner. But in a sudden twist and turn of events, I found myself in the middle of the imposing Big Ben Clock taking snapshots of just an ordinary lass.. nothing extraordinary – its just ahemmm.. KC.. yeah, KC Concepcion.. She said she has this certain level of infatuation to monuments with clocks.

Where did it all started?

Im not a big fan of Philippine Biz.. let alone watch pinoy teleserye and news (watching TV Patrol depresses me more)... but very seldomly, I do enjoy watching pinoy TV shows that takes me off at the edge of my seat – laughing my ass off – stuffs like Gandang Gabi Vice, Showtime and Comedy Bar... Aside from the fact that I am admittedly jologs, I have a brimming and a whale of a celebrity crush on one gal in particular – KC Concepcion. I have been a fan of anyone that combines sophistication and humility and damn good looks.

So imagine my reaction when we (me and my buddy, momoy) have been told that we have been allocated the task of touring TFC (The Filipino Channel) celebrities KC Concepcion, Yeng Constantino, Mr. Johnny Manahan and Ms. Mariol (wife of Mr. M) all around the city of London. Apparently, they wanted a local resident giving them an insider glimpse of what London was like.

I was like, “is that for real? Weeeh. Baka naman si Janelle Jamers (of the defunct Wowowee) naman yan since she's part of the Barrio Fiesta stars!). I was not sure until we picked them up in a hotel in Hammersmith and saw eye-to-eye, nose-to-nose, cheek-to-cheek (California King Bed inspired) the super glamorous (sorry GLAMOROUS is the only term I could think of) KC Concepcion. So when Sir Mickey introduced us to them, we were just like smiling comfortably and apathetically. I was trying to avoid that look in my face when I look absolutely delighted or thrilled on meeting them. I told myself, “kalmado lang dapat, kunwari di ako nagagandahan sa kanila, kunwari di sila sikat.. bakit sikat din nman ako ah.. haha! Patay malisya lang dapat. Karaniwang tao lang din sila..”. But yeah, it was more of like I am with them just to complete the job designated to us. I was only there for that purpose alone. And I should be as objective as possible. I will not ask to have pictures with them. After all, it is their own time to enjoy the city. I am just a mere tourist guide rendering his services.

Enough of me, so how was it really like to be with KC Concepcion?

1. Imagine a female model on the cover of GQ magazine coming to life. It was how it felt like seeing her from every angle. Sobrang ganda sa lahat ng sulok. Kahit saan magpapicture sobrang ganda. Every pose she makes seem effortless. Alam mo yung pakiramdam na naghulog ng lahat ng blessings si Lord one night tapos lahat ng tao tulog pero siya lang yung nagising at sumalo lahat ng blessings. Yun yun! I couldn't falter her physically – no wonder most foreigners are giving her a second look.

2. I don't know how to approach her. I was too naïve to make the first move and start a conversation. But it was her who made the first stance. We were just about to get thru the ticket barriers in the underground station when she said, “alam nyo ba nung isang araw pinapasok ko yung oyster card (London travel card) sa may lagayan ng ticket (instead of tapping them) and ayaw gumana. Di ko tlga alam kung panu. Nkakahiya?!!”. I admired her even more. I just realized how grounded she was to start a conversation to us mere mortals and try to say something funny out of nowhere. Her humility mirrored all over the tube station.

3. Oh Boy, she loves coffee. From time to time in the middle of our marathon tour of London, she will whisper in a very sweet and seemingly-impossible-to-refuse way – “pwede po ba mag stop over ng coffee..” I couldnt care any less. I need to find her a coffee shop no matter how it takes. I will even give my own blood just to get her that espresso. Okay, that's a little bit too much. But yeah, in reality, one stop in a coffee shop in Tower Bridge was all it took. And I couldn't forgot what she said during dinnertime, “Sa sobrang pagkahilig ko sa coffee, di ko lam kung naglalakad ba ko dhil nagkakape ako or nagkakape ako dahil naglalakad ako..” It didn't make too much sense but hey, this is KC – everything has sense. Haha.

4. She loves brocolli and since Momoy is allergic to chicken and seafood, KC was kind enough to order brocolli with oyster sauce for the two of them. Mind you, she wants Momoy to get the first take on the plate when it came down at our table.

5. It took me a hell of a guts to finally ask for a picture with them when we were in a bar and said “Pwede pong magpakajologs at magpapicture po sa inyo?!?”. But she responded, “um-order muna kayo bago ako magpapicture. Kung walang order, walang picture.” I was taken aback and uttered, “Eh di wag” then giving them this witty and stern grin. Of course, I was again touched by how humble she is.

   There are a lot more stories.

   But its 3am here and I have work at 8am so I need to catch this article short.

   In reality, I barely know her. What I know of her is from a very superficial basis. BUT SOMETIMES, IT IS IN UNGUARDED MOMENTS THAT YOU COULD DISCOVER ONE'S TRUE SELF.

   
   

Special thanks to Kuya Albert, Rex, Kuya Jun, Sir Mickey, and everyone on TFC for this chance.. And to my buddy, of course, Mr. Mark Jewel Bathan for one hell of an experience.

AND THEN there's this incident backstage in the toilet, but that's another story altogether. Haha.

10 Things I Miss Most About PINAS

Philippines might be one of the most impoverished and corrupted countries in the world. But hey, no matter how infamous and despicable this nation might be, it is still my HOME.

In another attempt to redeem my sanity, I have carefully laid out some of the best reasons why an average £700 return fare is worth it.

1. Isaw tops my list. I know some OFW's are awfully blessed to have the flair on cooking this “precious” delicacy. But much more than the food, it is the experience of eating street foods per se that makes it all the more enticing. Did I mention how my heart skips for absolute elation for every sight of red hotdogs, quail eggs (wek-wek), fishballs, kikiam, dugo (tustado please), and Php20 Pizza (ketchup n cheese)... I am a certified jologs by heart so these foods take my excitement level 100 notch higher...

2. Siksikan sa MRT/LRT that your face is almost fitted flat on the train doors. I know these really sounds weird (not to mention mabaho and pawisan especially during peak times!) but for a guy who is used to take the Tayuman-Monumento route – this is one heck of a train ride.. but I miss it.. It molded me to the jologs person that I am now..

3. Pagsakay sa harap ng Jeep habang umaandar dahil ayaw mo sumakay sa jeep na naghihintay pa ng pasahero sa loading area.. I love hopping in to the front seat. I remember one time, ako na kumukha ng pamasahe patalikod.. Pero siyempre si Manong Driver na yung nagsusukli.. ;)

4. The fact that you could get anything no matter what time of the day/night it is. You could get starbucks, fast food, yosi, comedy bar stints, and hundred and one other stuffs. While Bangkok might have the Lion's share of 24 hours 7-11 stores, Manila is not too far behind.

5. Philippine sense of fashion.. Sa gitna ng kainitan ng araw (average 36 degree celcius scorching heat), the men/women/gay/bisexual/lesbian community will never fail to showcase their sense of style with scarves, layered outfits, fur coats, boots, and many more. Tiis-ganda as they may call it.

6. Tag-lish (La Salle style).. with the thriving number of call center agents roaming around Manila, it is no wonder a lot of these young professionals try hard to be hip and smart with their newly-found power on using the English Language. I once went into the mall where everywhere I go, people speaks in taglish pa-sosyal style and I was like, ok, I don't belong here, my nose and arms might bleed in no time. In the UK, I hate Filipinos who speaks English kahit kasama na yung kapwa nila Pilipino and tries hard to emulate an accent or something --- naaaaahhhh.., not for me.If you're good in English, you don't have to flaunt it publicly – so give me a break.

7. Balot. Chicharon. Crispy Pata (Meycauayan style), Kare-Kare (with sobrang daming peanut butter!), pastel ni Mommy, isaw na may sabaw ni Tita Lily, Empanada, Shawarma sa SM Marilao na maraming cheese.. the list goes on and on and on..

8. JOLLIBEE. 9 powerful letters. It means a whole lot to me. From Palabok to Spaghetti to Isa Pa, Isa Pa, Isa pang chicken joy.. And to think I work there for two months – greeeting everyone everyday – GOOD MORNING MA'AM/SIR WELCOME TO JOLI-BEE HAPPY..!

9. The fact na kapag maputi ka, guapo ka pero hanggang Balintawak Exit (NLEX) lang, kasi pag labas nun, the real competetion goes on! Hahaha.

10. The Forwarded text message from your friends/textmates – from funny quotes/jokes to movie taglines to everything you could ever imagine. Kasi nga naka-unlimited lahat ng tao.. So, text lang all you can.

But much more than this, it is the sense of belonging that makes it all worthwhile. And where better else is to find it than your own home – where your true family is – who will always be there no matter how long you've been gone – loving you and caring for you in every step of your journey. They will never fail to show you that NO MATTER HOW SEASONS MIGHT CHANGE, SOME THINGS WILL ALWAYS REMAIN THE SAME.. And that includes your family – where your heart will always go home to..

And the joy it will bring you would cost a hundred times more than that £700 fare that you initially paid for... end of story. Pak!

Europe... Slideshow

We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open. Here's some of the compilation of my first travels to Europe. I am truly blessed.

Europe... Slideshow: Neo’s trip from London, England, United Kingdom to 7 cities Switzerland, Paris, Rome, Barcelona, Prague, Amsterdam and Brussels was created by TripAdvisor. See another Italy slideshow. Create a free slideshow with music from your travel photos.

“He who does not travel does not know the value of men.” – Moorish proverb

FEDERER and the Essence of LOSING

When you're down and out, you just want to get pumped up and leer towards potential sources of inspiration – in any possible place where you can find it – and I mean EVERYTHING – from your favorite childhood fictional character to your mom or dad or to your ultimate crush or lover.

Looking unto this, after a series of consecutive working days, I found myself going home without any hint of expedient provenance of enthusiasm. As I gander across the television, the world seems to recapitulate itself towards a vicious cycle of work and depression. Although the latter seems to maximize most of this revolutionary existentialism.

Then somehow, in a weird twist of fate, something struck me rather haltingly – WHAT THE F*CK! This would not be another one of those repressive nights where I attempt to dupe myself with alcohol or sex and the city DVD reruns. I need to overturn another series of my manic-depressive mood disorders.

I panicked. I choked. I recovered.

One thought. One person. One legend.

Name – ROGER FEDERER. A source of inspiration. Always been.

Having 16 grand slam titles under his belt, he is hailed as the greatest tennis player in history after breaking all records and vanquish achievements previously set by Pete Sampras and Bjorn Borg. Although he is currently ranked at no. 3, I reckon that this is his way on being modest on giving Nadal and Djokovic the chance to experience the top spot. Ooops! I just heard a series of scream from die-hard Nadal and Djokovic fans. Sorry. Kanya-kanya lang po yan!

But nonetheless, much more than his well-documented elegance and exquisite form on court (those backhand and service stance!), it is his demeanor and disposition off court which never fails to enthrall me. It is not confounding then that he is well-liked in every tournament and grand slam events. But in a larger scale, he is also revered for his exemplary contributions not only to his native Switzerland but also to his support to charitable and humanitarian events.

But what else is so endearing to Federer? The answer – I dont know. Maybe those hairy chest or those unusually large aquiline nose. Maybe the fact that he is damn good and knows how to hold his nerves under pressure.

Or maybe.. because he is capable of LOSING. Just like any other tennis player. Just like any of us. Just like you or me. He's not a demi-god.

He fails on some matches. But he proves again and again that he is still capable of producing marvellous and flawless tennis. He could still reign in Wimbledon or the tennis world at that matter.

I AM A LOSER. It took me a while to accept this. But I know I am. But I am also certain that I needed to stand up. I needed to brave the crucifying crowd in my midst and to rise above adversity.

I AM A LOSER. And somehow I am proud because life is continuous series of learning and taking risks. What breaks you makes you stronger.

I FELL. I STUMBLED. I CRASHED. I STAND ONCE MORE. ALWAYS ONCE MORE.

MR O .. THANKS FOR RUINING MY LIFE!

I gave up a good life for you.

I lost my good reputation

My friends have turn their backs

And the rest of the world have lost its faith on me.

I did not adhere to people's voice,

coz my heart speaks louder than anyone else's.

But you broke my trust.

I wasn't enough for you.

You were busy looking for something else.

I was disheartened like any rational man would.

Then, it happened.

I broke it off.

My mind overruled.

But you started to denigrate.

You told me I was your biggest failure.

And your regret was the sole fact

That you have met me at all..

Less than a week was at all it took.

To have your heart turned into charcoal.

So don't you dare say that I messed up your life.

Coz you have no idea what Im going through now.

And that everywhere, people have been lambasting me with gossips and defamations..

I moved out and found myself in the lowest of the low – apart from everyone

Apart from my family and the people I truly care about.

So think twice, Mr O....

Coz in reality mister, you ruined my life!

Let me say this out loud! F*CK YOU!

RIGODON sa LONDON ...

Disclaimer: This was written not to offend anyone. What I wrote here was purely based on observations and was a product of my sheer melancholic tendencies. I'm no angel. Actually, I'm the complete opposite. Open your mind, people.

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Sa bawat araw na lumilipas, walang kahit na mumunting buhay o sigla ang mababanaagan sa aking katauhan. WALANG INSPIRASYON. Ang bawat araw ay hindi naiiba mula sa kahapon. At ang kahapon ay magsisimula at magtatapos kahalintulad ng magaganap sa kinabukasan.

Magsisimula ang araw na papasok sa ospital, magtatatrabaho, kakain, at makikisalamuha sa mga katulong sa industriya ng panangalaga sa mga may pinakakritikal na karamdaman sa aming pagamutan. Kailangan suotin sa lahat ng panahon ang huwad na mga ngiti dahil hindi maaaring mabanaagan ng kahit ninuman ang bigat ng aking mga dalahin. Sa kabila nito, kailangan magpatuloy ang buhay. Kailangan mag-impok at itaguyod ang sarili. Kahit wala ng pag-asang namumuo sa aking puso at isipan, wala din naman ibang patutunguhan kung isaisantabi ko na lamang ang aking propesyon dulot ng malalim at sadyang mapanubok na pinagdadaanan.

Ano nga ba ang naghihintay sa kinabukasan – kung ang bawat bukas ay tulad ng ngayon, at hindi rin naman naiiba sa kahapon?

Sa maliit na mundong ginagalawan ng mga Pilipino sa Inglatera, mapait na katotohanan na palasak na lamang ang pagkakasiraan ng bawat magandang pagtitinginan – bawat relasyon ay nauuwi sa hiwalayan at bawat hiwalayan ay nagdudulot ng mapait na karanasan. Tila nagkakaroon ng “Rigodon” ang bawat Pilipino sa nagaganap na pagpapalitan ng kasintahan. Ang sa iyo ngayon ay akin bukas. At ang akin ngayon ay maaaring nasa piling na ng iba bukas. Sa kapaligiran na malayo sa mga pinakamalalapit na kapamilya, ang bawat isa ay naghahanap ng pagkalinga, pagmamahal at pagtanggap mula sa isa't isa.

Rigodon – isang sayaw na ipanasa sa atin ng mga Kastila kung saan ang bawat isa ay nagpapalit palit ng kapareha. Ang bawat mananayaw ay magkakaroon ng pagkakataon na makasayaw ang iba pang mananayaw. Kahalintulad ng sayaw na ito ang mga kalidad ng relasyon dito sa London. Nakakagulat na lamang na ang iyong kakilala na si Juan ay dating kasintahan ni Pedro, at si Pedro ay kasalukuyang kasintahan ni Pablo, na dati rin naman kasintahan ni Juan...

NAKAKAKALITO .. NAKAKALOKO... NAKAKAPANLUMO..

Pagod na ako sa mga laro.. Pagod na ako sa Rigodon.. Pagod na ako sa mga panunutya at panghuhusga.. Mas mainam pa nga siguro ang mag-isa. Walang kumplikasyon. Walang pananagutan.. --- Wala nga lang din tunay na kasiyahan at kaganapan ang buhay..

NAKAKAPAGOD NA..

Kaya kung gusto mo pa, sige makisayaw lang.. Hanggang sa sumakit ang iyong mga paa.. At madapa sa mga panganib ng rigodon...

HANGGANG KAILAN KAYA..

ALONE AND OUT

I am now shedding a thousand tears,

But I know I made you weep for like a million years...

I kept on grumbling about the pain,

But it was me who have hurt you in vain..

Sorry and atonement would never be enough,

For all the indecisions based in gruff..

Encumbrance might have made you tough,

But my insolence have made your life rough...

Thankfulness should have been my retaliation,

For your love which have never gone into stagnation...

But what I gave were fallout of my aberrations,

Now everyone's giving their best shot on sending me to condemnation...

Try as I may but I could never go back,

What we have is on a wrack..

Alone, alone and alone,

Its the best three words from here and on...

Book Review: Eat, Pray and Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

For the past few weeks, books have been my only confidante, my best friend and my soulmate. Amidst the chaotic ramblings of my mind, they have offered a sense of companionship no other man can offer. They have been non-judgmental despite my shortcomings and misdemeanors. They stayed with me through every tube journeys, drudging night shifts in the hospital, and moments of occasional psychosis. These manuscripts have been a source of inspiration and in the vein, it has kept my sanity intact. Without which, I might have lost it altogether. Uncunningly, every trip to the bookstore has proved worthwhile. The smell of a new book thrills me like a young child awaiting to get his balloon after a Sunday Mass. It has taken me to new heights – away from everyone. I felt safe again – under every letter from A to Z of every book's hologram.

Eat, Pray and Love has started this addiction. Serving as a platform for the Julia Robert's movie, I am a fan of anything that tackles the subject of self-discovery or go-isolate-and-f*ck-yourself-until-you-know-what-you-want kind of story. The book has outshined the actual Hollywood movie. The tongue-in-cheek details of the E. Gilbert's life story never fails to enthrall and fascinate the avid reader. After a few pages, I began to regard it as a travel blog and love story merged into one. Towards the middle, I found myself humming words like “Attraversiamo” which translates “Let's cross over” in Italian. I was mumbling these foreign phrases whilst I was in the tube that other passengers might have thought that a severely attention-seeking psychopath was in their midst. I couldn't care less. I couldn't care any lesser. After all, I was transcended into another world – the author's that is – a world of infinite realm of possibilities in the phase of travelling in deep thought and realization.

By the end of it, she lets herself get carried away by her older but wiser Brazilian lover. She hesitated for one moment but helplessly conceded in the process. She adhered to her heart's desire. She gave in to love. I acquise to her compelling life-changing decision. And so will I. Then there's only one thing to do – Attraversiamo... Let's cross over!

27, 28, 29, TURKEY!

2am and amidst the equanimity of my Rhodes hotel room, this entry is being woven into shape with ingenuous details and an extra push of Turkish delights. Having just sailed off from an hour and ten minutes ferry (Catamaran as they call it here!) ride from Marmaris to Rhodes, it is safe to assume that I will be dead tired as of this time from strolling around the southwestern-most point of Turkey. But nope, I'm wide awake as an angry bird raring to destroy multiple blocks to the very core and much to the amusement and addiction of its iphone user (where did that come from?!?!?).

Enough being said, Turkey is not exactly assonant to its Greek neighbor. Although my first instinct would tell me otherwise in regard to its proximity between the two Mediterranean countries, I began regarding Marmaris (or Turkey for that matter, sorry for the generalization) solely as a tourist hub for impervious and express holidays. Every corner resonates typical British holidays – enjoying the sun and not withstanding anything else. I reckon that more square meters had been allocated to self-catering villas and two and three star hotels in contrast with local houses and establishments. Not that I have an aversion to this apartments but it simply overshadowed the supposed Turkish charm that I was expecting to unravel at that point in time.

Nothing was sort of spectacular. It would have been a welcome change to see a coalesce of Moorish and Modern Architecture but instead I was greeted by the Marmaris Castle who looks more like an abandoned crack house rather than a prime tourist attraction. It was more of a viewing deck of the Marmaris harbor rather than a historical site. That 3 euros entrance fee was definitely not justifiable. To add insult to injury, the guy in the tourist information center totally snubbed me when I was inside in my attempt to ask for directions to the castle. He was deeply submerged into a telephone conversation. Nothing else mattered. It felt like I was wearing Harry Potter's cloak – invisible.

The bazaar was also synonymous to Turkey's despairing inuendo to save their ailing economy. Pushy sellers will rub you of any feasible euros/Turkish Liras (TL) – down to its last bit. A typical turkish lamp, for instance, will initially sell at 65 TL where in fact you could grab them at 40 TL or even less (my bargaining skills worked somehow). The bazaar and hundreds of restaurants resonates a Turkish desert and character – destitute and empty. But then again, I have never been to Istanbul or Ankra so this might just be an early and unfledged judgment.

I never, for one second, ascertained that I was in a safe place. The glances and accession of every local dweller will put Bin Laden's forces to shame. I was branded and called a “Jackie Chan of Marmaris” or greeted “Ni Hao” by merchants and residents alike. Evidently, Asians seldomly sojourned the place. Quite unsurprisingly, I found a sense of isolation and desolation in no time and I was hasting to go to back to Greece – where a more welcoming hand awaits me.

Overall, Turkey fails to deliver to the discerning tourist. And if I have ever been asked if I wanted to go back to Turkey, let's just say that I will just buy those lovely Turkish delights elsewhere in Mediterannean shops in London. In that case, I never really needed to waste 3 hours flying time – harsh but ardently true.

Rhodes: Mia Thési̱ Ston Ilio (A Place in the Sun)

When I think of Greece, I only think of two places to go: Athens and Santorini. Athens, being the capital will surely enamour every traveller with its ancient monuments and traditions. Having been known as a melting pot of civilization, it will satisfy anyone's penchant for Greek Mythology or anything Greek for that matter – from Greek food (the eat-until-you-feel-like-vomitting experience) to Greek luxury package holidays (read:all inclusive) to Greek “sizzling hot” men/women with aquiline noses and bodies that will surely guarantee not just a second but a third look.

On the other hand, Santorini is famed for its picturesque views that are jaw-dropping (Tagalog term: tulo-laway). Notable as the location for the Filipino movie “For the First Time” (yep, I watched this and im definitely jologs!), everyone who realized that I'm heading to Greece felt thwarted that I'm not goin' to Santorini (my twitter account can testify to this!).

Why Rhodes then? Well, I just came across the website at onthebeach.co.uk which really offered all-inclusive cheap holidays abroad and they suggested Rhodes. Being tired of city tours, I opted for a real vacation without the pressures of having to roam around the city with your limited time schedule. So like a lottery-type overturn of fortunes, Rhodes seemed to be reasonable and enticing enough to be the next leisure loco-motion. Unsurprisingly, they said its a second-rate island holiday for anyone who can't afford the more renown island of Santorini.

I despise this.

It exceeded my expectations. First, the Greek foods are to die for. I'm telling you that I absolutely hated vegetables or anythin healthy for that matter. But Greek foods are the only exception - just don't take off the feta cheese. In addition, gluttony is the name of the game with all-inclusive holidays where you get buffet meals three times a day (not to mention unlimited drinks/snacks/cocktails/booze).

And whoever thought that Asian hospitality is the best seriously needs to re-learn what that word really meant. Those smiles and welcoming/assisting hands are definitely not simulated. Add together the fact that they're down-to-earth good-looking (I hate people who know they're attractive and flaunt it!), it's a win-win situation.

Lastly, the combination of the Old Town's charm and New Town's ultramodern twist will give you that feel-good impression that will leave you coming back every afternoon for more (just hanging around the old-town plaza is gratifying in an unexplainable kind of way). In line with this, this place is just a hop, skip and ride away from all the great beaches and nearby islands (did I mention that I'm going to see Turkey tom?!?)

In the vein, this unassuming island ticks all the right boxes. Currently, I'm just writing this blog in the patio of our hotel room with great views of the mountain and the seaside, relaxing at 11pm with the most ideal weather you could ever imagine. There was an old emblem which states “The Glory that was Greece”. And then it hit me, whoever quoted this would have been in the same exact position that I am.

TWITTER!

I am ready to take a step forward.. And stop punishing myself.. I am moving on from facebook and going to twitter... Hopefully, it would be a worthwhile choice.. Im tired of the endless bashing and berations.. Im ready to have my first taste and slice of twitter.. So, brace yourselves.. yummmmm...

BLOG WRITTEN FOUR YEARS AGO....

The big and scary " 2 - 4 "

May 28, '07 6:24 PM for everyone

DISCLAIMER: I WROTE THIS BLOG ON MAY 26, 2007. IT JUST STRUCK ME WHAT MY THOUGHTS ARE DURING THOSE TIMES. I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE WORTH RE-POSTING TO THIS BLOGSITE.

As i looked back on the past 24 years of my existence, I have decided to finally embrace the colorful art of writing a blog in the internet.. I must admit it took me ages to have the initiative this since i always find it bizaare for people to make all of their thoughts known to the public.. plus the fact that i have always noticed that people are way trying hard to be profound on whats the hurly-burlys of their minds.. but anyway, too much on the introduction.. :)

I always have the phobia of getting older.. and sometimes I find it odd of celebrating your natal day too much for a day.. and that it seems to pass so quickly.. so why bother.. hehe.. but most of all, i am afraid of getting older and really going nowhere.. especially in my career and achievements.. being the obsessive-compulsive that i am, i always want to make things done perfectly and the soonest time possible.. i dont know but there is always an angel of misery and melancoly running after me.. and it was as though at times that i was over-reacting to the chaos on my minds.. (which is the main propelling agent for this blog).. hehe

and as i looked back, i came across the things that i regret in my life.. i will not go about the usual pageant answer that i dont regret anything since it made me a better person.. but heck.. we always made our mistakes.. and though we learn from it.. it was a whole lot better if we havent done it at all..

so here are the things that i regret - from the menial ones to the most critical ones..

number 1, i wish i won my last table tennis tournament in high school.. it was as if i am afraid to make the shots and make the calls.. the stamina and energy was low.. and it cost me a lot -- a championship in table tennis.. i took the SECOND PLACE.( haha.. imagine how it still hunts me sometimes.. how trivial)

number 2, i wish i didnt make the answers long in the mr nursing pageant.. thats why i end up SECOND PLACE -- 1ST RUNNER UP..

number 3, i wish i strive harder in high school.. so i would be the valedictorian in high school.. i end up salutatorian.. SECOND BEST AGAIN..

number 4, i wish i took up nursing on my first college years.. so that i dont have to shift from one course to another.. and it would not cost me 6 years to finish college.. and make a jump start on my career earlier..

number 5, applying in the nursing home where i am currently working.. never thought too much filipinos could cause so much turmoil.. whew..

i dont know if theres a curse in me but i always end up second best.. BUT BUT BUT.. there are things that i certainly thought were the best decisions i ever made.

number 1, shifting to nursing... dont want to explain on this.. but all im aware of is that i follow my dad's piece of advice..

number 2, studying hard.. and keeping my goals at hand.. it gave me the boost to believe in myself. and eventually believe in happiness and the future.

 

 

 

 

 

number 3, ADHERING TO GOD THRU EVERYTHING.. He was the one constant in my life.. and though i am not the best Christian in the world..in fact i think i am one of the worst sinners around. He still loves me for who i am.. my life is empty and dense without Him in my life.. and i will always stick to Him no matter what happen.. He is my strength and salvation.. IN HIM I TRUST.. GOD ROCKS! HE RULES...

so happy birthday to me...!!! :)

DEFINING MOMENTS AND FAMILIES...

I have a thinking about families. We have all been raised and brought up differently. While others may scourn the way their very own family structure works, I was in a very good position to say in a "pageant-ly Q&A manner" that I WOULD NEVER CHANGE ANYTHING when it comes to my family. What I am now is a mere reflection of the past -- and a big part of it is my family.

It was amazing how my parents thought us about the antithetic lessons of life. We were moulded in an old-school Filipino fashion but with a taste of modern expedience. I really don't know how I am suppose to express myself in this one -- but the tandem of my mom and dad working together as parents is so perfect that I could not find any loopholes in this game called "parenthood". While it is impossible to completely narrate the anecdotes of my childhood, I would like to highlight some keypoints that I could vividly recollect.

WE WERE NEVER TOO POOR. And even in the phase of utter devastation because of hundreds and thousands of outstanding loans and unpaid credit cards, we never felt like we are poor. It takes absolute shrewdness for a parent to make sure their children never feel the financial strain despite the ongoing monetary instability issues.

We always get a "pasalubong" almost everyday from sbarro or KFC. We were getting enough allowances to carry on through our daily classes at school. We ate sumptuous meals then and again. We check-in at hotels at various occasions. My dad picked us up whenever and wherever we are (My youngest sister took advantage of this mostly!). We wore braces when we needed to. We could shop 'til we drop especially when we excel at school. We went on holidays in and out of the country. So who would dare say we are poor?!?

NADA.. Well, don't get me wrong but I'm not here to brag about the luxury or any piece of commodity that we have had. That is not the point. The point of enumerating all these is to serve as a reference and proof that my parents never deprived us of any good thing in this world. And yes, they gave us heaven and earth and move their asses from one place to another just to sell a piece of jewelry and maintain the kind of lifestyle that we have always experienced. And one of my goals is that one day, my parents could read this particular blog and illicit a smile or a tear on their eye because they knew that they did a MAGNIFICENT job in raising four kids in the time where times are constantly changing and when everything has a price tag.

But you know what the funny thing is, WE WERE NEVER RICH EITHER. My parents never made us feel that we were a cut-above-the-rest financially. We were asked to do household chores. I always run errands for my mom to go to "Bayan" (Meycauayan City). We were taught about the value of money without really imposing us that we have to save money and earn some extra ones so we could help them out in the future. Say, for instance, when I graduated, I never heard my parents telling me to extend help to my sister which was studying in university that time. And yes, I do help them as much as I could these days. But I did it.. Not because of obligation. IT WAS A CHOICE. Some things are better done out of love rather than out of obligation.

We do live in a bungalow - not in a mansion. Nothing spectacular. But my dad adorns our house with Christmas lights and decorations that make us feel that we are the richest family in the subdivision. ;)

I remember my dad telling me about the importance of being good-natured and charitable especially in out neighborhood. He narrates, "Anak, alam mo hindi tayo 'yung pinakamayaman dito sa subdivision pero kapag may mga emergency sa baranggay. Sa 'tin sila lumalapit kasi alam nila na maaasahan tayo at mabubuti tayong tao. At kung may listahan lang ng pinakamaraming kasal or kumpil or binyag na pinag-ninang/ninong-an, panalo na tayo. Kaya dapat marunong kang makisama at makipag kapwa-tao..". I really look up to my dad when it comes to these things. It is something that I am naive or completely lacking of. I am more of an introvert or a suffer-in-silence sort of person. But it was during this DEFINING MOMENTS, that I said to myself.. THANK YOU LORD AT BINIGAY MO KO SA PAMILYA ROQUE...

I wouldn't have it any other way. Even Prince Charles wouldn't stand a chance...