BLOG WRITTEN FOUR YEARS AGO....

The big and scary " 2 - 4 "

May 28, '07 6:24 PM for everyone

DISCLAIMER: I WROTE THIS BLOG ON MAY 26, 2007. IT JUST STRUCK ME WHAT MY THOUGHTS ARE DURING THOSE TIMES. I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE WORTH RE-POSTING TO THIS BLOGSITE.

As i looked back on the past 24 years of my existence, I have decided to finally embrace the colorful art of writing a blog in the internet.. I must admit it took me ages to have the initiative this since i always find it bizaare for people to make all of their thoughts known to the public.. plus the fact that i have always noticed that people are way trying hard to be profound on whats the hurly-burlys of their minds.. but anyway, too much on the introduction.. :)

I always have the phobia of getting older.. and sometimes I find it odd of celebrating your natal day too much for a day.. and that it seems to pass so quickly.. so why bother.. hehe.. but most of all, i am afraid of getting older and really going nowhere.. especially in my career and achievements.. being the obsessive-compulsive that i am, i always want to make things done perfectly and the soonest time possible.. i dont know but there is always an angel of misery and melancoly running after me.. and it was as though at times that i was over-reacting to the chaos on my minds.. (which is the main propelling agent for this blog).. hehe

and as i looked back, i came across the things that i regret in my life.. i will not go about the usual pageant answer that i dont regret anything since it made me a better person.. but heck.. we always made our mistakes.. and though we learn from it.. it was a whole lot better if we havent done it at all..

so here are the things that i regret - from the menial ones to the most critical ones..

number 1, i wish i won my last table tennis tournament in high school.. it was as if i am afraid to make the shots and make the calls.. the stamina and energy was low.. and it cost me a lot -- a championship in table tennis.. i took the SECOND PLACE.( haha.. imagine how it still hunts me sometimes.. how trivial)

number 2, i wish i didnt make the answers long in the mr nursing pageant.. thats why i end up SECOND PLACE -- 1ST RUNNER UP..

number 3, i wish i strive harder in high school.. so i would be the valedictorian in high school.. i end up salutatorian.. SECOND BEST AGAIN..

number 4, i wish i took up nursing on my first college years.. so that i dont have to shift from one course to another.. and it would not cost me 6 years to finish college.. and make a jump start on my career earlier..

number 5, applying in the nursing home where i am currently working.. never thought too much filipinos could cause so much turmoil.. whew..

i dont know if theres a curse in me but i always end up second best.. BUT BUT BUT.. there are things that i certainly thought were the best decisions i ever made.

number 1, shifting to nursing... dont want to explain on this.. but all im aware of is that i follow my dad's piece of advice..

number 2, studying hard.. and keeping my goals at hand.. it gave me the boost to believe in myself. and eventually believe in happiness and the future.

 

 

 

 

 

number 3, ADHERING TO GOD THRU EVERYTHING.. He was the one constant in my life.. and though i am not the best Christian in the world..in fact i think i am one of the worst sinners around. He still loves me for who i am.. my life is empty and dense without Him in my life.. and i will always stick to Him no matter what happen.. He is my strength and salvation.. IN HIM I TRUST.. GOD ROCKS! HE RULES...

so happy birthday to me...!!! :)

DEFINING MOMENTS AND FAMILIES...

I have a thinking about families. We have all been raised and brought up differently. While others may scourn the way their very own family structure works, I was in a very good position to say in a "pageant-ly Q&A manner" that I WOULD NEVER CHANGE ANYTHING when it comes to my family. What I am now is a mere reflection of the past -- and a big part of it is my family.

It was amazing how my parents thought us about the antithetic lessons of life. We were moulded in an old-school Filipino fashion but with a taste of modern expedience. I really don't know how I am suppose to express myself in this one -- but the tandem of my mom and dad working together as parents is so perfect that I could not find any loopholes in this game called "parenthood". While it is impossible to completely narrate the anecdotes of my childhood, I would like to highlight some keypoints that I could vividly recollect.

WE WERE NEVER TOO POOR. And even in the phase of utter devastation because of hundreds and thousands of outstanding loans and unpaid credit cards, we never felt like we are poor. It takes absolute shrewdness for a parent to make sure their children never feel the financial strain despite the ongoing monetary instability issues.

We always get a "pasalubong" almost everyday from sbarro or KFC. We were getting enough allowances to carry on through our daily classes at school. We ate sumptuous meals then and again. We check-in at hotels at various occasions. My dad picked us up whenever and wherever we are (My youngest sister took advantage of this mostly!). We wore braces when we needed to. We could shop 'til we drop especially when we excel at school. We went on holidays in and out of the country. So who would dare say we are poor?!?

NADA.. Well, don't get me wrong but I'm not here to brag about the luxury or any piece of commodity that we have had. That is not the point. The point of enumerating all these is to serve as a reference and proof that my parents never deprived us of any good thing in this world. And yes, they gave us heaven and earth and move their asses from one place to another just to sell a piece of jewelry and maintain the kind of lifestyle that we have always experienced. And one of my goals is that one day, my parents could read this particular blog and illicit a smile or a tear on their eye because they knew that they did a MAGNIFICENT job in raising four kids in the time where times are constantly changing and when everything has a price tag.

But you know what the funny thing is, WE WERE NEVER RICH EITHER. My parents never made us feel that we were a cut-above-the-rest financially. We were asked to do household chores. I always run errands for my mom to go to "Bayan" (Meycauayan City). We were taught about the value of money without really imposing us that we have to save money and earn some extra ones so we could help them out in the future. Say, for instance, when I graduated, I never heard my parents telling me to extend help to my sister which was studying in university that time. And yes, I do help them as much as I could these days. But I did it.. Not because of obligation. IT WAS A CHOICE. Some things are better done out of love rather than out of obligation.

We do live in a bungalow - not in a mansion. Nothing spectacular. But my dad adorns our house with Christmas lights and decorations that make us feel that we are the richest family in the subdivision. ;)

I remember my dad telling me about the importance of being good-natured and charitable especially in out neighborhood. He narrates, "Anak, alam mo hindi tayo 'yung pinakamayaman dito sa subdivision pero kapag may mga emergency sa baranggay. Sa 'tin sila lumalapit kasi alam nila na maaasahan tayo at mabubuti tayong tao. At kung may listahan lang ng pinakamaraming kasal or kumpil or binyag na pinag-ninang/ninong-an, panalo na tayo. Kaya dapat marunong kang makisama at makipag kapwa-tao..". I really look up to my dad when it comes to these things. It is something that I am naive or completely lacking of. I am more of an introvert or a suffer-in-silence sort of person. But it was during this DEFINING MOMENTS, that I said to myself.. THANK YOU LORD AT BINIGAY MO KO SA PAMILYA ROQUE...

I wouldn't have it any other way. Even Prince Charles wouldn't stand a chance...

Truer answers...

Since I started living on my own, I have formed the habit of taking snapshots of my everyday life - it varies from food to sights to people to absolute nothingness. I have become dependent to these pictures that my nursing ROTA and opening hours of the laundry shop and everything else could be easily located on my iphone album. I found comfort in knowing that all important pieces of information is just a tap, slide and click away from my iphone.

Aside from this, a smile always grew from face whenever I look back to the pictures of the days gone by. Pleasing or not, "amateur-ish" it might be, the mere fact that I was on that particular moment in time gives me the chance to reminisce every single fiber of the past. It then gives you the platform to re-think about decisions made, re-collect memories and re-decide about various facets of your life. But the best way to do it is to do it ALONE.

I have a not-so-secret hide-away found somewhere along the lines of regent park and northwest london. It is where I always find myself in times of trouble. It gives me a certain peace of mind found nowhere else. It is my safe haven. Rather than jumping off the window and kill myself, this particular sight save me from the doom of insania.

And true enough, it is in solitude that everything becomes clearer. You start finding answers -- truer answers, truer things...