FEDERER and the Essence of LOSING

When you're down and out, you just want to get pumped up and leer towards potential sources of inspiration – in any possible place where you can find it – and I mean EVERYTHING – from your favorite childhood fictional character to your mom or dad or to your ultimate crush or lover.

Looking unto this, after a series of consecutive working days, I found myself going home without any hint of expedient provenance of enthusiasm. As I gander across the television, the world seems to recapitulate itself towards a vicious cycle of work and depression. Although the latter seems to maximize most of this revolutionary existentialism.

Then somehow, in a weird twist of fate, something struck me rather haltingly – WHAT THE F*CK! This would not be another one of those repressive nights where I attempt to dupe myself with alcohol or sex and the city DVD reruns. I need to overturn another series of my manic-depressive mood disorders.

I panicked. I choked. I recovered.

One thought. One person. One legend.

Name – ROGER FEDERER. A source of inspiration. Always been.

Having 16 grand slam titles under his belt, he is hailed as the greatest tennis player in history after breaking all records and vanquish achievements previously set by Pete Sampras and Bjorn Borg. Although he is currently ranked at no. 3, I reckon that this is his way on being modest on giving Nadal and Djokovic the chance to experience the top spot. Ooops! I just heard a series of scream from die-hard Nadal and Djokovic fans. Sorry. Kanya-kanya lang po yan!

But nonetheless, much more than his well-documented elegance and exquisite form on court (those backhand and service stance!), it is his demeanor and disposition off court which never fails to enthrall me. It is not confounding then that he is well-liked in every tournament and grand slam events. But in a larger scale, he is also revered for his exemplary contributions not only to his native Switzerland but also to his support to charitable and humanitarian events.

But what else is so endearing to Federer? The answer – I dont know. Maybe those hairy chest or those unusually large aquiline nose. Maybe the fact that he is damn good and knows how to hold his nerves under pressure.

Or maybe.. because he is capable of LOSING. Just like any other tennis player. Just like any of us. Just like you or me. He's not a demi-god.

He fails on some matches. But he proves again and again that he is still capable of producing marvellous and flawless tennis. He could still reign in Wimbledon or the tennis world at that matter.

I AM A LOSER. It took me a while to accept this. But I know I am. But I am also certain that I needed to stand up. I needed to brave the crucifying crowd in my midst and to rise above adversity.

I AM A LOSER. And somehow I am proud because life is continuous series of learning and taking risks. What breaks you makes you stronger.

I FELL. I STUMBLED. I CRASHED. I STAND ONCE MORE. ALWAYS ONCE MORE.

MR O .. THANKS FOR RUINING MY LIFE!

I gave up a good life for you.

I lost my good reputation

My friends have turn their backs

And the rest of the world have lost its faith on me.

I did not adhere to people's voice,

coz my heart speaks louder than anyone else's.

But you broke my trust.

I wasn't enough for you.

You were busy looking for something else.

I was disheartened like any rational man would.

Then, it happened.

I broke it off.

My mind overruled.

But you started to denigrate.

You told me I was your biggest failure.

And your regret was the sole fact

That you have met me at all..

Less than a week was at all it took.

To have your heart turned into charcoal.

So don't you dare say that I messed up your life.

Coz you have no idea what Im going through now.

And that everywhere, people have been lambasting me with gossips and defamations..

I moved out and found myself in the lowest of the low – apart from everyone

Apart from my family and the people I truly care about.

So think twice, Mr O....

Coz in reality mister, you ruined my life!

Let me say this out loud! F*CK YOU!

RIGODON sa LONDON ...

Disclaimer: This was written not to offend anyone. What I wrote here was purely based on observations and was a product of my sheer melancholic tendencies. I'm no angel. Actually, I'm the complete opposite. Open your mind, people.

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Sa bawat araw na lumilipas, walang kahit na mumunting buhay o sigla ang mababanaagan sa aking katauhan. WALANG INSPIRASYON. Ang bawat araw ay hindi naiiba mula sa kahapon. At ang kahapon ay magsisimula at magtatapos kahalintulad ng magaganap sa kinabukasan.

Magsisimula ang araw na papasok sa ospital, magtatatrabaho, kakain, at makikisalamuha sa mga katulong sa industriya ng panangalaga sa mga may pinakakritikal na karamdaman sa aming pagamutan. Kailangan suotin sa lahat ng panahon ang huwad na mga ngiti dahil hindi maaaring mabanaagan ng kahit ninuman ang bigat ng aking mga dalahin. Sa kabila nito, kailangan magpatuloy ang buhay. Kailangan mag-impok at itaguyod ang sarili. Kahit wala ng pag-asang namumuo sa aking puso at isipan, wala din naman ibang patutunguhan kung isaisantabi ko na lamang ang aking propesyon dulot ng malalim at sadyang mapanubok na pinagdadaanan.

Ano nga ba ang naghihintay sa kinabukasan – kung ang bawat bukas ay tulad ng ngayon, at hindi rin naman naiiba sa kahapon?

Sa maliit na mundong ginagalawan ng mga Pilipino sa Inglatera, mapait na katotohanan na palasak na lamang ang pagkakasiraan ng bawat magandang pagtitinginan – bawat relasyon ay nauuwi sa hiwalayan at bawat hiwalayan ay nagdudulot ng mapait na karanasan. Tila nagkakaroon ng “Rigodon” ang bawat Pilipino sa nagaganap na pagpapalitan ng kasintahan. Ang sa iyo ngayon ay akin bukas. At ang akin ngayon ay maaaring nasa piling na ng iba bukas. Sa kapaligiran na malayo sa mga pinakamalalapit na kapamilya, ang bawat isa ay naghahanap ng pagkalinga, pagmamahal at pagtanggap mula sa isa't isa.

Rigodon – isang sayaw na ipanasa sa atin ng mga Kastila kung saan ang bawat isa ay nagpapalit palit ng kapareha. Ang bawat mananayaw ay magkakaroon ng pagkakataon na makasayaw ang iba pang mananayaw. Kahalintulad ng sayaw na ito ang mga kalidad ng relasyon dito sa London. Nakakagulat na lamang na ang iyong kakilala na si Juan ay dating kasintahan ni Pedro, at si Pedro ay kasalukuyang kasintahan ni Pablo, na dati rin naman kasintahan ni Juan...

NAKAKAKALITO .. NAKAKALOKO... NAKAKAPANLUMO..

Pagod na ako sa mga laro.. Pagod na ako sa Rigodon.. Pagod na ako sa mga panunutya at panghuhusga.. Mas mainam pa nga siguro ang mag-isa. Walang kumplikasyon. Walang pananagutan.. --- Wala nga lang din tunay na kasiyahan at kaganapan ang buhay..

NAKAKAPAGOD NA..

Kaya kung gusto mo pa, sige makisayaw lang.. Hanggang sa sumakit ang iyong mga paa.. At madapa sa mga panganib ng rigodon...

HANGGANG KAILAN KAYA..

ALONE AND OUT

I am now shedding a thousand tears,

But I know I made you weep for like a million years...

I kept on grumbling about the pain,

But it was me who have hurt you in vain..

Sorry and atonement would never be enough,

For all the indecisions based in gruff..

Encumbrance might have made you tough,

But my insolence have made your life rough...

Thankfulness should have been my retaliation,

For your love which have never gone into stagnation...

But what I gave were fallout of my aberrations,

Now everyone's giving their best shot on sending me to condemnation...

Try as I may but I could never go back,

What we have is on a wrack..

Alone, alone and alone,

Its the best three words from here and on...